How to Know a Person

May 1, 2023

New York Times columnist Brooks explains How To Know a Person so that we can build better connections at home, on the job, and in life. Prepub Alert.

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August 15, 2023
The virtues of seeing and being seen. Recognizing how the breakdown of basic moral and social skills has been leading to "a massive civilizational failure," a theme that New York Times op-ed columnist Brooks has examined in previous books (The Second Mountain, The Road to Character, etc.), the author offers yet another inspirational roadmap to building strong moral character and achieving authentic self-actualization. "There is one skill," he writes, "that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see some-one else deeply and make them feel seen--to accurately know an-other person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood. That is at the heart of being a good person, the ultimate gift you can give to others and to yourself." In fleshing out his deeply earnest, relatable objective, Brooks references an assortment of literary, scientific, and psychological sources, shares personal anecdotes, and relates longer profile stories of a host of notables, including Vivian Gornick, Zora Neale Hurston, and Frederick Buechner. He also applies ideals from the writing of Iris Murdoch as a kind of moral compass, particularly evidenced in her book The Sovereignty of Good. This book reads like a more practical how-to guide than the author's previous ones. In his aim to equip readers on their quest to a better understanding of fellow human beings, he poses thought-provoking questions and holistic insights--e.g., "A person is a point of view. Every person you meet is a creative artist who takes the events of life and, over time, creates a very personal way of seeing the world." Brooks occasionally stumbles in his descriptions of experiences from the framework of his own largely affluent inner circle of acquaintances and the many insights gathered from lofty dinner-party conversations. Cumulatively, these examples occasionally undermine his specified intent of truly seeing people from all walks of life. However, his intentions seem sound and heartfelt. A hands-on guide to making meaningful human connections.

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September 15, 2023
In this chatty, charming volume, conservative NY Times commentator Brooks (The Road to Character, 2015) synthesizes the findings of psychologists and philosophers recent and past to make a case for the value of friendship and offer practical suggestions on how to connect more deeply with both old friends and new acquaintances. Acknowledging his own "certain aloofness," he illustrates his points with personal anecdotes from his life (including a wrenching one about the death by suicide of a close friend and earnestly told experiences on discussion panels) and those of others (including novelist and theologian Frederick Buechner and former president George W. Bush). Seeking to confront the "epidemic of loneliness" in the United States, Brooks recommends "tenderness, receptivity, and active curiosity," and suggests that we should all strive less to be heroes than to be "illuminators"--in other words, people who are "social, humble, understanding, and warm." His advice may not be revolutionary, but it's certainly down-to-earth and entertaining.

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